A New New Years Story!

aa-monument-to-top-onlyaaaWell, as the Holidays wind down and the new year begins, I find myself as usual “waxing philosophical.” I also find myself waxing the car. Yes, just thinking how the New Year will be now that I am pushing sixty and a third of my life is over. It’s time to review my life, take stock of my assets and purge my liabilities and, yes, take out the centennial and millennial garbage, not to mention the cat.

Yeah, time to make some new year’s resolutions. And to begin with, I think I have been too hard on my fellow man, woman and water fowl, but not the midgets as they have it hard enough and seem to be a happy lot already.

I will start by rethinking my personalized license plates and bumper stickers, as today the rear end of the auto is the official communication line of the real world. So, with this in mind, I will turn in my plates that say, “WAY2CLS” and “BCK OFF” (for the license plate reading impaired: “way too close” and “back off”), and replace them with one that says “PLATE” and on my other vehicle, “C OTHER PLT.” Then I will try to park them near each other as often as possible. On the Pinto, though, I’ll get one that just says, “GOTALIGHT”?

And I will stop complaining about some of the messages people put there, too. I saw a plate the other day, GBM213. What was that all about? I have no idea. I spent an hour trying to figure it out.
I will also remove those bumper stickers that say, “Gun aboard” and “Have ya killed anyone today?” I will replace them with something more positive like, “I need to change lanes . . . Please” and “If you can read this, you have good vision.”

I will refrain from referring to political leaders as blood sucking varmints, NAFTA weasels or bumbling graft taking geeks. I will remove other words from my vocabulary, too, like hooters, Armageddon, flap jacks, oh my golly, clam dip, and verbose, especially in reference to women, political candidates and Albanian Geese. I will replace them with funny words like ointment, condiments, utensils and thistle. I also like fruition a lot and porcelain.

There are a few ideas, inventions if you will, I have been working on, too, that I think humanity might thank me to give up on. For instance, the fish omelet. I don’t think the world is quite ready. I also think the back yard commode is a bit premature. I just thought that letting the sun shine were the sun don’t shine, surrounded by plants and flowers, would be quite nice on a sunny summer day and could double as a dog watering bowl or bird bath.

And I am finally going to give up on inventing a new letter for the alphabet. It’s been a long time since we had a new letter. What was it anyway? J? So, I’ve been trying to see what it would look like and I finally decided that whenever you pronounced it, you would have to move your thumb to your nose. It would be that sound you make when you sniff. It would look something like this “)^”and here is the first word I made with it! )^ugowamuorphis. And since every word needs a definition, to go with it:

)^ug-o-wam-u-orphis, v. old wise one who makes up new letters, words or gardening tools {from bill English {see bone head}. [Preprandial*]

*(Relating to time just before dinner.)

I will start paying more attention to the expiration dates on food and stop relying on my taste buds, especially when cooking for guests. And I will stop referring to my taste buds as “my buddies.”
I will strive to become what my parents always wanted me to be: someone else’s child. I will stop thinking of Porsches as small, noise and rattly, ‘53 Buick wannabees. And I will not buy a Woody and cover it with carpet.

When I pass the refrigerators at Sears, I will stop saying, “My icebox gives ice and water out of the door, but it didn’t come from the factory that way.” Unless my daughter is with me cause that would always make her laugh. Also, I will stop calling my refrigerator an icebox.

Yes, there are an awful lot of little things one can do to brighten the lives of others. But what about the plant world? I could stop driving over the lawn and start watering it more. And why cut it? Do we think that plant life likes to be cut with a 3 ½ horsepower modified fuel-injected Brigs and Stratton killing machine?

At the supermarket, I will refrain from squeezing the tomatoes and avocados so hard and avoid squeezing the watermelons altogether. And I have a hodgepodge of other improvements, too. If someone asks me an intelligent question, I will try to answer it instead of saying, “Well, if I knew the answer to that, I’d be president.” And while we’re on it, if I’m chosen to be a candidate for president, I will not run.

Just want to make that perfectly clear. On major holidays, I will make sure the turkey is dead before putting it in the oven. And I will no longer use the word hodgepodge either, accept for just a little while ago.

I will also strive to learn the difference between certain words, like accept and except, where and were, and to, too, two and 2 ‘cause it’s really two bad I haven’t learnt the difference yet. I will stop saying, “The check is in the mail” — unless it really is or I just don’t have any money or I am out of stamps.
You know, the world can be made a better place if we all just try a little harder, pay our bills on time, let others change lanes and realize our neighbors may have as many problems as ourselves … but more and bigger guns.

But, the biggest change I plan to make, though, will be when I drive through Donner Pass. I will stop thinking about food, even though Donner sounds a lot like dinner to me. And if I can follow through with these resolutions, who knows, perhaps next New Year’s Eve I won’t be spending it at home all alone again, thinking about the last hooter, uh, I mean babe….uh, well, person of the female persuasion who just dumped me . . .again. ^(orth!

The End

2 Replies to “A New New Years Story!”

  1. One of bills best…he used to write like jack Kerouac with little regard to punctuatin or spelling…this was a pleasure to read…good job Bill..

  2. Thanks for the mention of Jack Kerouac, Greatly appreciated. And I must say the person who documented spelling did not actually know how to spell. So screw him. Thanks Bill

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